Your Mind; My Mind

Two years and a day ago, 07 April 2019, I got baptised. It’s crazy to think that so much time has passed since that incredible day, and to realise that so much has changed. I forget sometimes how much God has changed and made new in my life. Maybe it’s because I feel that I’m still walking out my salvation and that I’m still becoming new each day through His blood, but I think it’s so important to realise how significant your story is, no matter how small it feels to you. 

I’m not the perfect Christian, I don’t always get it right and I fall so short from God’s glory every single day. But salvation isn’t about being the perfect Christian, because no one can be Jesus but Jesus Himself. It’s just about recognizing who Jesus is, letting Him completely invade your life and allow Him to change you each and every single day. 

This makes me so emotional to write because I remember the girl before she got her hair wet that day in the water. I know how lost she felt, how lonely she was and how unloved she thought she was. I would have never believed that the girl I used to be was worthy of a clean slate, a new start. But because of Jesus, she did deserve it, just like every single person does. And she deserved it, and every other person deserves this, simply because the creator of the world loves us. 

The world is filled with so many opinions that change day to day, and it feels like we can never get it right. But what matters is that I know what my truth is based on, His Holy Word, and it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks about it, because it’s my truth, and no one can take that away from me. And I have no reason to be ashamed of my faith either. 

We often think that as Christians we need to stay quiet about our beliefs as to not offend anyone. But God calls us to share our testimony. And as a Christian I’m called to love every single one of God’s people, and I don’t see how that’s offensive. So I’m going to keep sharing my testimony, I’m going to keep loving people the best that I can, and my I’m going to keep doing this unashamedly. I pray today that lots of other people find that they can rejoice in their salvation too.

“But now, since you have been set free from sin and have become enslaved to God, you have your fruit, which results in sanctification — and the outcome is eternal life! For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Romans 6:22-23 CSB

Written by Mila Ottavini

Friendship is such a strange and fickle thing these days. Maybe I got it wrong somewhere, or maybe I just have bad luck, but friends are seeming to get more and more temporary. Loyalty should be firm and withstanding, but it seems so unsteady and loose these days. Yes, we shouldn’t be swearing on earth or on heaven to be best friends forever, but I still believe our ‘yes’ should mean ‘yes’ and our ‘no’ should mean ‘no’. Or am I just too sentimental for the times?

I’m not trying to throw myself a pity party – let’s get that straight. I have a family that loves me and I have a handful of friends that I feel like I can rely on. But, and I feel like I’m speaking not only for myself here, I’ve also had a lot of people that let me down whom I never thought would. I realise this is all a part of life, but it’s starting to seem like our generation is heading down a winding path of me-myself-and-I.

I’m sure there have been moments where my loyalty has wavered, and I want to believe a small part of that is humanly natural. But right now, I’m simply discussing patterns of behaviour I’m noticing around me, because I’m scared of where these patterns lead to. Growing up, I loved primary school. I loved the group of friends I had, and everyone was pretty civil with one another. Sure, there were bullies and silly fights – but nothing that killed my memory of the good friendships I made during that time of my life. Everyone was invited to pretty much every party and there weren’t many people that were excluded. Then there was high school, and the beginning stages of it was similar to my feeling during primary school. But something changed – and I think that change is a mixture of growing up, puberty, and what I like to call, the start of our Loveless Generation.

Maybe my problem in high school was that I observed too much. I’d sit with a group of people, and most of the conversation was centred around gossip. Gossip about people not there, people in different schools, and a lot of the time, about people sitting right in that circle. Although I longed to feel a part of something, I started leaving those kinds of groups because I didn’t want to be a part of something exactly like that. Then I started realising that the people I thought were loyal to me, were not actually loyal to me, and were only loyal to a painted picture of me. I wasn’t a part of this group anymore, so their loyalty towards me expired. Anyway, high school is a place filled with a bunch of teenagers trying to figure themselves out, so it’s really not fair to judge this time of our lives.

But now, here I am in university, and I think I’m starting to really see our generation as the Loveless Generation after all. People make plans and then cancel them last minute or don’t show up at all. Friends post on their Instagram Stories daily but forget to reply to you for weeks on end. Or even worse, friends love to put you on their Story for your birthday, but always have a reason not to actually hang out. People pretend that they want to be involved in your life, but really, everyone is only involved with themselves.

And it’s not all our own faults, we’re being brainwashed to think more about ourselves than others anyway. Am I going to be successful one day? Am I popular enough? Is being friends with them going to ruin my image? Am I hot enough? Is this event going to look good on my story? So we continue to follow each other on Instagram, love our friends’photos on Facebook, and scroll endlessly on TikTok. Look, I’m not here to be that person that hates on social media. Social media has great value in today’s age, and I would be a hypocrite to judge it when I use it just as often too. It’s just, I always thought that the point of social media was to connect us, but yet I feel our generation disconnecting more and more from one another each day.

I feel like I know that all of this is not a growing up thing but a generation thing. My mother has kept way more loyal friends from high school to date than I have. I can literally count the people I’ve kept from school on less than one hand, and it decreases quite often too. Maybe I’m the problem, I don’t know. But when someone in your family, let’s say your grandmother, passes away, I’m sure we all have a few people we’d expect at least a message from. My mother didn’t even tell anyone about the loss, and she received a million messages and phone calls. For me, this was another situation where I could count my friends on less than one hand. That expectation is there because you know if the roles were reversed, you would do anything to be there for that particular friend. And actually, that expectation is there because you have been there for that particular friend in a similar situation. Well, instances like this has just proved to me time and time again that our generation is rapidly losing love. People only love you when it suits them.

If there’s anything I’ve learnt about love and loyalty from my family, and from some people that have actually chosen to stick around, is that love stays even when the person doesn’t really feel like loving you. That means that if after 12 years of friendship, even if it feels like there is no point in staying, because you’re bored of the person or they no longer fit into your life, you stick around anyway. Because you love them. Love doesn’t get to decide when or when not to show up – because if it’s there, it’s there. Maybe I read the recipe for friendship wrong, but I’m pretty sure loyalty was an ingredient.

The problem is that we’re all (or a lot of us are anyway) trying to be influencers. Our generation is so focused on getting their name our there, being successful, popular, liked and noticed that we forget about our human responsibility to be human. Humans are made for social interaction. Real social interaction. Again, not putting social media down here, but instead of just mentioning a friend on your story or sending them a million memes a day – why don’t you actually call them? Or reply to their message they sent you two months ago? We should be trying to interact with one another and not just simply gaining engagements.

I know a lot of people will probably relate to this piece of writing. I think most of us currently feel that we don’t have many genuine friends, that people keep letting us down and that we feel isolated and lonely most of the time. But if so many people are feeling this way, are we not maybe doing it to ourselves? Here’s the thing – maybe we’re all victimising ourselves way too much to realise that we’re actually the persecutors. You need to be a good friend to have a good friend. And maybe you’ve tried and tried with some people, but it just never works. Listen, if you’re chasing after Anna to be your bestie but ignoring Kayla who’s been trying to be your friend for ages, you’re just as guilty. I once heard that we often don’t receive love back from the people we give it to, but we’ll always receive that love back from someone. So it’s our responsibility to love everyone in our lives, even if they don’t love us back. I know it’s hard – but we need to stop feeling sorry for ourselves when there’s a bunch of people feeling exactly the way you feel because you’re doing the same thing to them.

So this is my challenge to you – stop trying to search for the better, more popular, prettier or hotter friend – appreciate and love the people that are already there. Let people know you for your loyalty, not just your handle. And maybe, just maybe, a little bit of love spread around will turn our Loveless Generation into the Loved Generation.

Written by Mila Ottavini

it’s scary what our minds are capable of -
the darkness we allow ourselves to consume.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
sometimes we wonder
if our existence even matters
if our absence would even be felt
and sometimes our answer is no.
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but luckily, for some of us,
we push on
because we have found
some kind of glimmering hope.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
but I think what scares me more
is how so many
are still left in the darkness
and what’s even scarier
is the thought
of them never finding the light.
it breaks my heart,
it really does.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
because that’s the thing about darkness
it lies
and it hides
it hides the truth
that we are all enough.
that no one could ever be
not enough.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
the darkness can be all-consuming
the feeling of the end can be ever-nearing
but it’s all lies.
I need you to believe
that it’s all lies.
that darkness
has put a cup over your candle.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
but let me tell you something
your candle is so bright
and it smells like the colour yellow.
your candle is waiting
to light up all your best days
and brighten even the worst ones.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
you just need to allow
that candle to burn again.
and asking for a friend
to pick up your candle
is not a weakness,
it’s your greatest strength.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
this is why we love
because everyone
deserves to feel like enough.

By Mila Ottavini

what was that song
they used to sing
when we were kids?
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
the one
about the boy
and the girl
in the tree.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
I think
it was about
you and me.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
(at least we figured it out
eventually.)

By Mila Ottavini

maybe we didn’t get to do
all we planned to.
maybe we all wish
we had one last dance
before 2020 even gave us a chance.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
but we still learnt to live,
even between all the sokkie workshops;
and we still learnt to love,
even when the going got tough;
and most of all we still learnt to dance,
even when it felt like we can’t.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
and I guess that -
that is all that really matters.

By Mila Ottavini

On the 23rd of August 2020 a friend of mine, Eshen Moodley, his website, namely, GPCY Expanded Minds. He asked me to write some pieces for the site, and below are what I wrote for some of his catalogues. The link to his website is: https://gpcy23.myportfolio.com

M & A

I believe in soul mates. I really do. What I don’t believe in, however, is best friends. I don’t think you can just say – this one, this one right here – that’s my best friend who will be here forever and always. I also don’t think that you can place certain friends in higher regard than others. No. People come and go through our lives for different reasons. People move cities and things change. But truly, the connection will never change.  That’s why I believe in soul mates and not best friends. When you have a connection so strong with someone, not just romantic, but platonic too – it’s eternal. It’s eternal and you know it. Because even when they’re gone, and you hear the song that you always used to sing with them, the strings of your heart pull tighter. When you walk past all of the places that you laughed with them till your bellies ached, you can’t help but smile. And when it’s 3am and your chest feels emptier than it’s ever been, all you wish for is their voice. Because you loved them. Because you will always love them. And if you read this, and your heart rises up in your chest, you must know that you’ve had at least one soul mate in your life. Chances are that you’ve had more than one. How lucky our souls are to burn so brightly in love with other souls.

18

There is something about the day you turn 18. All of a sudden the universe has transferred freedom into your hands. The ability to do and be whoever you desire. In theory, it sounds like one of the most exciting days of your life. It is up there with those momentous occasions most people dream of – leaving high school, graduating from university, buying your first home and getting married. But in reality, turning 18 was not the perfect picture I had painted in my head. Sure, I got my driver’s license, I could legally drink, soon I’d be off to my dream university and I’d leave high school far behind me. But it was scary. It was damn scary. Suddenly I had this responsibility to survive. If anything failed now in my life, the only person responsible would be me. The crippling anxiety of growing up is masked behind the big birthday party we all look forward to. But it was that day, that very birthday party, that I realised I needed to step up. That there is more than the perfect picture I had painted in my head. And maybe that actually isn’t scary at all. Maybe that is the most exciting thing that any of us will realise. And I realised it when the clock turned and I became 18 – there is more. Much, much more.

Italian Love Story

Pt1 Love for the Country – Her Perspective

I’m a terrible hopeless romantic. I often fall in love with the covers of books. My knees are weak for many strangers that have once smiled at me. I can create a whole love story in my mind just sitting on a train staring out the window. For me, everything could be a love story. 

But there was something unique about my love story with Italy. Maybe it’s because it’s in my blood. Italy is in every essence of my being. 

I think I love Italy because everything about it is so loud. Every person you come across in this country is loud. They’re loud because they have something to say. And I love that.

The food screams it’s own existence too, because it was prepared with love and pride. What is there not to love about that. 

The sceneries in Italy are so overwhelmingly loud that sometimes my dreams of the country make me sad. It makes me sad because before Italy, I never knew you could miss a place so vividly. I can close my eyes and I can see the vibrant colours of Burano, every beach bar in Porto San Giorgio, the flowers of Norcia, the remnants of the Roman empire, the turquoise waters of Lago di Garda… I can see it all.

Maybe that’s what love is. Maybe love is loud. It doesn’t hide itself and it etches a memory that you’ll never be able to shake. I just hope I never lose this love. 

Little did I know my love for you laid across the platform where he looked up and smiled.

Pt3 Love for Yourself

a year later
and I think about her every day.
Every single day.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
I long for her warm waters,
and her strong statures.
the lack of her air
has left me in despair.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
I am unaware
of when we can join again.
but I no longer pine for her
because I have peace
knowing God has kept me home
to finish His masterpiece.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
and there is so much more of her
that I desire to discover
but maybe I need to learn something here.
and maybe one day
I will miss this place
just as much as I miss her.

Words in the video:

We all have that one thing that we are absolutely terrified of doing. A thing that we have been instructed to do, or we just know we have to do it. This fear is so crippling that we disregard any attempt at doing this terrifying act.

Look, I don’t know what you are afraid of doing or even why you are afraid of doing it. But there are some things in life that we just have to do – no matter how scared we may be.

Maybe you’re too scared to put on your running shoes again after the last injury you sustained. 

Or you’re too afraid to start that new training programme because you think you’re not strong or dedicated enough. 

You’re setting yourself up for failure before you even start. 

Perhaps, you’re too nervous to tell that person that you haven’t been able to stop thinking about how you really feel, fearing the sting of rejection.

Or maybe you’re too proud to forgive that person that did you wrong, and let them back in your life. You just don’t want to believe that they can change.

Maybe you just need to have that difficult conversation with that person you love, but you’re too scared they’ll runaway anyway. 

Love is scary. And love is a risk – but it is an action. And it is the greatest action you can ever take. 

Maybe you’re panicking about that one class you have, and you fear that even if you put in that extra 10% effort, you won’t make it through.

You could be frantic, trying to apply for your dream school – secretly believing you’re not good enough to get in.

Maybe you have an entire book inside of you, and you’ve never been able to shake off the fear enough so that you can write it. 

But you know you were called to that purpose. And purpose takes courage. 

There could even be something you’re too petrified to stop.

Maybe you need to put an end to that relationship or friendship that is making you something you’re not – taking you further and further away from your destiny. 

Or possibly there is that addiction that you just can’t seem to quit – and it is destroying you slowly every day. 

Maybe you just need to put your phone down, forget about what the online world is saying about you, and finally look into the eyes of the one in front of you, who has been longing to spend some time with you. 

I don’t know what it is that you are scared of. But one thing I do know is that in this really great book, it says the words “Do not be afraid” 365 times. Let me say that again – the bible tells us 365 times to not be afraid. We are reminded everyday that we have been given the power to do whatever it is we know we need to do. And I can be say it 365 more times, and it will still not be overused, but my friend, you need not be afraid. 

You need to speak this aloud. Maybe also write it down – whatever it is that you are afraid of doing. And after saying this, or writing this, affirm these words in your heart, “this is scary. But the creator of the universe told me to not be afraid. So I will do this.” 

But you need to really believe this. Whatever you are most afraid of doing, usually becomes the greatest accomplishments you look back on. You may be one fearful soul, but your nature can quickly become fearless – don’t let yourself miss out on your destiny.

By Mila Ottavini

they tried to crown her
with every label she was not:
they called her failure
when she won every battle,
they called her traitor
when her purpose began to unravel.
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so she crowned herself
with everything she knew she was
her crown was made of courage
when her strength began to flourish,
and her crown was made of grace
when she was ready to finish her race.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
but mostly, she wore it with such humility
because she was filled with great destiny
that not even the enemy
could steal so irreverently.

By Mila Ottavini

I have this success story that I’ve always been too afraid to share. For some reason, something made me think that my story is insignificant and not important. This, however, is a lie that the devil makes many of us believe. I know that the our stories can help lift others up from a deep pit. Our testimonies give people the opportunity to hear of the bright light they have the opportunity to stand in.

So don’t be ashamed of the testimony about the Lord or of me, his prisoner. Instead, share the suffering for the good news, depending on God’s power.

2 Timothy 1:8

This is my testimony – and I am no longer ashamed of it.

I was relatively young when I first started experiencing depression. Likewise for most people, depression and anxiety often come as a package deal. This package deal was my truth when I was 15 years old.

A lot of people would have never noticed, because I was active, had people in my life that cared about me and was doing well in school. But inside my chest, a dark hole slowly started to grow. I didn’t value myself enough to do anything about it, so I allowed the hole to grow bigger and bigger until it enveloped my entire life.

To this day, I still don’t know how it started. There wasn’t a specific terrible occurrence, and I often felt guilty for feeling the way I did when I actually had a pretty good teenage life. But what I did not understand was that depression is not something we can use logic to solve.

I remember the panic attacks. I had this crippling fear that I would always be alone, even with so many people surrounding me, and this deep sadness eroded itself into anxious reactions. At the time, someone very close to me knew and saw the panic attacks that I was experiencing. The day that I passed out at a music festival, only because of my social anxiety and crippling depression, they decided that they had to tell my parents about it.

I will always be thankful that they did, even though I wasn’t thankful then. Sometimes when the pit of anxiety and depression gets dug deeper and deeper, your only option is to get help. Real help. I started various medications to help with the panic attacks and the depression.

I definitely think that medication is very important for a person who is seriously struggling and is too deep in their hole to climb out themselves. But it is a temporary solution. No one really tells you how addictive the medication is that they give you. They don’t tell you that the pills will numb the pain you’re feeling, but will also numb the joy you’re meant to experience. But again, I needed the medication then. The medication did however not take my anxiety and depression away, but merely dealt with the symptoms of what I was experiencing

I went through my teenage years, from age 15 to age 19, on these pills. I thought that this is all life would ever be for me, relying on medication to be stable and relatively okay. And I was okay. But I was not free from my depression or anxiety at all. There were also days were the medication didn’t work, and my only option (as it felt then) was to stay in bed and cry until it didn’t hurt as much.

My heart swells for the girl that I used to be as I write this. I think the hardest thing about depression is when you watch yourself from the outside. When you see this random human struggling to fight against something invisible. It’s almost as if you see someone you love going through something you have no idea how to help them with. But you’re actually that person and it makes it even more confusing and painful. I hope this makes sense.

I remember my matric dance, and that it was a good day, but not as good as everyone told me it would be. Or my 18th birthday, or graduating high school, or falling in love, or whatever everyone hypes up for teenagers. It was all just okay, and nothing in life made me want to rejoice in my youth. I felt incapable of doing that.

When I went to university, I was hoping that something would change. That anything would change. And this is my testimony, that everything absolutely did change.

I was in this new place, meeting all these amazing new people, and yet I was so far from everything that I loved. I was so excited, but so broken to be away from any sense of security. Then I came face to face with Him. I saw His face, and I saw Him hanging on a cross because of me. For me. And I saw the pain in His eyes, the pain He had taken on for this girl that I had become, who was depressed and anxious and was deep within all the mistakes and failures of her life. I saw how He looked at me, and He wasn’t angry. And I couldn’t understand that. I put Him up there, and He took on my pain, but He did it because He loved me. That’s when I realised I needed to stop being so broken. Because someone was broken for me not to be broken. It felt like double pain and that just didn’t make sense.

Of course the moment I experienced salvation was life changing, but my depression and anxiety obviously didn’t disappear in an instance. It just doesn’t work like that. However, I finally had the motivation to get rid of it, and I finally felt like I wasn’t fighting the battle alone. Someone had already won the biggest battle, and all I had to do is become best friends with that someone. He really is my best friend.

But this journey took a lot of work. I’m not going to sit here and pretend like from that moment forward it was easy. Because Christians are not excluded from the pain of life – we just have the best therapist anyone could ask for.

So I got baptised. That helped a lot. It washed my entire life clean. But I needed more. I needed to know the truth. So after years of sitting in a school chapel and not experiencing the truth that was right in front of me, I had to decide to do some hard work to get rid of my depression. I had to decide that I wanted to get better. And I really did get better. I got so much better that on the 17th of September 2019, after 4 years, I stopped taking my medication. The medication I was on is so addictive that many patients go into a rehabilitation to get off of it, but I just stopped. Cold turkey. I was told that I would probably fall apart. But honestly, besides some normal withdrawal symptoms, I was fine. I was fine because I had a counsellor I could speak to every day, free of charge. Of course it was not a straight path, and I had times when I fell back into holes of depression, but I never stayed there. I was somehow always picked up out of whatever hole I found myself in.

The crazier thing is that during this pandemic, a time of serious isolation, confusion, loss and anxiety, I have never felt better. Of course I’ve had my low days, just like everyone, but that is normal and okay. But for the first time in a really long time, I feel so much love in my heart. There is a lot of love inside of me in a time where the world is fighting more hate than probably ever before. And that is why I am writing this. If I look back, and if I were to tell the 16 year old girl eating alone by her locker in high school, that one day, just one day, she would be 20 years old and have so much light to share with the world – I know she would have never believed it. I sometimes still can’t believe it. That’s just how good God is. Even if this is just for one person that really needs to hear this, that is all that matters. Jesus is interested in the one lost sheep. I truly hope you find your way home, whoever you are.

Out of this testimony, I have learnt some important truths that may help someone who is struggling right now.

The biggest mistake anyone can make is to identify with their depression. To say, I am depressed, gives the enemy power. It is important not to ignore the problem of depression in your life, but you as an individual are more than what you are experiencing. Imagine someone said, “I am cancer“, just because they have cancer? Yes, there is depression in your life. You are experiencing a depression. But you are more than this depression.

As much as you try to convince yourself, you don’t deserve to have such a downtrodden spirit. No, it doesn’t matter how much wrong you’ve done, how horrible and unlikable you think you are, you do not deserve to feel this way. We are all forgiven and loved despite anything we can and will do. Whether you believe it or not, it’s the truth. Would you tell your brother he deserves to be depressed because of what he said about you last week? No. So you don’t deserve to be depressed either.

When you are in a pit of despair, you tend to forget the love you are constantly embraced in. Looking back now, there were so many people rooting for me to return to the girl they used to know. And they continued to root for me till the day I became that girl again. And more than that, someone loved you enough to die for you. Like, actually die for you. If our God said you are worthy of the death of His Son, I promise you, you are loved and worthy of love.

There is so much I could say about depression and about finding your way out. But not much can really change your current situation or the dark hole you seem to find yourself in. I can however tell you, from the one who finally found her way out of a very long tunnel, that though your valley seems endless, it does get better. This season you are experiencing may be nothing you ever dreamt about, but you are going to reach a destiny far greater than you can ever imagine. And I know that sounds cliche, and if someone told me this when I was in that deep hole, it honestly would of just made me angry. But it makes us angry because we have fooled ourselves into believing that what we believe about our future is the only finite truth. Sorry to break it to you, but you are conditioned and programmed to believe a lot of lies. And this is one of them. Because it gets better. With Jesus, it always gets better.

From one fighter to another, I wish you all the love in the world.

By Mila Ottavini

But you, Lord, are a shield around me, my glory, the One who lifts my head high.

Psalm 3:3

If you know of anyone who needs help, or you yourself needs help, never underestimate the power of a hand trying to pull you up. Speak to someone, anyone. Someone will help. Here are some South African helplines if needed:

• Adcock Ingram Depression & Anxiety Helpline: 0800708090
• Dr Reddy’s Help Line: 0800212223
• SADAG Toll Free: 0800456789
• Suicide Crisis Line: 0800567567 (SMS 31393)
• Destiny Helpline for Youth and Students: 0800414243