Your Mind; My Mind

First, let me start with some context so that you understand that these words are not from a person who has never had to pick up their sword and fight their battle against such a giant. I am writing this because I wish someone wrote it when I was fifteen.

I remember that day in 2015 when I suddenly became so conscious. Suddenly, I was conscious about how my thighs felt when they touch, how my stomach folds when I sit and how I feel when I look like in the mirror. It came out of nowhere. So I did the logical thing: I decided to exercise and watch what I eat a little bit more. These health decisions are normal, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with deciding to take hold of your health habits. But what was the problem was my mind – my mind wanted more than just health. My mind wanted to see a different girl in the mirror.

The first while, everything I did was absolutely normal and nothing to worry over. But with a devil like body dysmorphia, once it lays its seeds, it is bound to grow. Later on, I began to count every calorie I put into my mouth. I would make sure that my calorie deficit is way over than it should be. I would exercise without any fuel in my body. I would do cardio 7 times a week, and hardcore cardio. I would constantly body check, and the scale and the mirror never showed me what I wanted to see.

And then I got really sick. I was lucky enough that the people who cared about me started to notice. They tried everything, they really did. But I could not see the problem. They were the crazy ones, not me. If only I knew.

Fortunately, my parents eventually put their foot down and got me the help that I needed. I was restored to my healthy weight, and by the grace of God, I did not cause any long term damages to my body. But there was still a massive problem, the devil which was constantly telling me that I was not small enough, not pretty enough, not good enough.

You see, back then, all I wanted was to be accepted. Somehow this body dysmorphia convinced me that it would get me the acceptance I desired, so allowed it into my life. I opened the door of my heart and let it in, and it invaded me with full force. There was no room in my heart for anything else.

I was healthy, but I still weighed all my food out, kept to a strict exercise routine and constantly mocked the girl in the mirror. I didn’t get the acceptance I desired, and if anything, my self hatred drove people further and further away from me. Little did I know that the only acceptance that can ever sustain me is eternal, and higher than anything on this planet. I later found this out in 2019.

By the love of God I have been restored with a new and free mind. But there is one thing that this journey has taught me: it is definitely not easy. And that’s really why I’m writing this, because every person who endures this battle deserves to hear the hope from the other side.

This battle taught me many truths, and I hope these truths bring something to whoever needs it. And I want to make this very clear: body dysmorphia does not choose its victims according to arbitrary factors. That’s right, all genders, all sexual orientations, all races, all religions and all societal classes fight this battle alike.

The notion that the person I see in the mirror is not actually “I” makes pretty much no sense to the human mind. If that person in the mirror is not the “I” I perceive, then who really is “I”? As hard as it is to believe, your “I” is much more than is seen by the human eye or even perceived in the human mind.

Your body is earthly. Your weight is an earthly concept created by humans. Your “body goals” is only something that can be achieved in the physical. Also, these goals were never birthed out of your true desires – it was put into your mind because something or someone taught you that these body goals should be desirable. The truth is, your “I” can not be seen. The “I” has been wonderfully and fearfully constructed by the God that rules all. Once I realised this, standing in front of truly the only one that can ever love me fully and completely, I finally understood that I am way more than my body can ever be.

… the illusion, the error of thinking that, by changing the exterior world, you will change. You do not change if you merely change your exterior world.

Awareness by Anthony De Mello

We are taught that once you lose a crazy amount of weight, gain all the lean muscle, fit into that zero sized dress – then we will be perfected. I thought this too. I thought that all my wrongs would be corrected by becoming a tinnier version of myself. I’ve also watched some dear friends do the same – even men, trying to look like the cover of Men’s Health. But once you become too invested into a cycle of bad thoughts, you only start slipping further away from the person you were destined to be.

Let me make this very clear – there is nothing wrong with exercise and maintaining a good diet. The problem I am highlighting here is the vicious thought pattern that body dysmorphia brings. It will tell you that you will be loved, appreciated, adored, whatever you may desire – once you look a certain way. You need to realise the falseness in this.

Our bodies change every single day. Weight fluctuates by the hour. Our metabolisms can slow down and quicken at any moment. We ourselves can have the power to change our bodies too. But these changes will never bring the change you are looking for. If you want love, you have to love and be love. That includes loving yourself. So no, that 5kg weight drop will not make you truly accepted. Because the only acceptance only comes from The One who accepts you no matter what you look like.

I remember when I had embarked on this journey, I stopped all of the exercises that I truly enjoy. I stopped doing yoga because “it didn’t burn enough calories”. I told myself I hate running and don’t enjoy it. But really, I had a complex because a girl laughed at me when I was running and told me I look funny because of my short and stubby legs. I let body dysmorphia decide what exercise I was allowed to do, and I didn’t use exercise as it should be – as healthy movement and a kind of therapy.

Today, I believe we should move our bodies however we want. If I want to run today, I will. How fast and how far I go doesn’t matter, what does matter is that I feel good. I love yoga, and I do it as often as I like to. I even dance now – and I don’t care that I’m not really good at it. People can laugh, but I love the feeling of dancing, so I’ll dance. I’ll lift weights if I feel like it, and I’ll jump around if I want to. And it’s nice to see progress, but I am no longer in an endless cycle of tracking if I’ve lifted enough, burnt enough and gone fast enough.

If you have the blessing of moving your body, don’t abuse it by not letting yourself move the way your body desires. God gave us this as a gift. Take it as a gift. And gifts should never be used to punish yourself because of what you ate last night. Gifts should be used to enjoy.

That award was a result of competition, which can be cruel if it is built on hatred of oneself and of others. People get a good feeling on the basis of somebody else getting a bad feeling; you win over somebody else. Isn’t that terrible? Taken for granted in a lunatic asylum!

Awareness by Anthony De Mello

One of the biggest battles of body dysmorphia is the comparisons. Comparisons with others and comparisons of where you want to be and where you are. Competitions like this always leave somebody feeling pretty bad about themselves. So why would you set yourself up to make yourself feel bad, let alone make someone else feel bad?

How another person is eating is not your business. If they want to diet, it does not affect your worth. If another person is running a marathon, it does not mean you are not good enough. Every one else is on a different part of their journeys with the bodiess they inhabit for their earthly lives, so don’t let it influence you.

Once you die to the self, you will understand the self. You are not who you think you are. Trust me. If I asked anyone back then if they see me as fat as I see myself, they would’ve laughed in my face. Once you forget about the self and don’t question your natural happiness (yes, happiness is indeed our natural state, society has just made you believe differently), the comparison game is a distant memory.

Don’t let my success story fool you: it was not only uphill. There were days were I didn’t even think about my weight, and then there were days when I was at a school dance and I cried in the bathroom because I was scared of the cake. And then there were some weeks where I would read every motivational quote on body positive, and other weeks where I would fall into the same trap of strenuous exercise and strict eating habits. But that’s okay. That’s how we heal.

What I do promise for you, however, is a turning point. There was a point in 2019 where I had grown so much out of my body dysmorphia and its habits, but I had not fully let it go. I was still conscious over myself. I could treat myself, but I still secretly felt guilty afterwards, and would check the mirror if I had suddenly ballooned up. I was still finding my worth in the compliments that others gave me. But then I met Jesus.

I am not pushing my religion here, I am simply telling my story. For me, meeting Jesus made me realise what anyone fighting such a battle needs to realise. All battles are already won. Everything I am carrying and weighing down on myself is ironic and unnecessary. There is so much more in store for me.

So for whoever reads this, and is fighting the devil of body dysmorphia alone, I just want you to know something. The battle is already won. All you have to do is allow love in.

But take heart! I have conquered the world.

John 16:33

If you know of anyone who needs help, or you yourself needs help, never underestimate the power of a hand trying to pull you up. Speak to someone, anyone. Someone will help. Here are some South African helplines if needed:

All love stories begin with a discovery. This love story began when I discovered 5 beautiful postcards while looking through my grandmother’s collection of old photos. Looking through them, I realised they had a story – if put in the right order. Thus the challenge arose – to use each postcard as an inspiration for a love poem, and for all 5 poems to contribute to one love story. So I got to writing and decided to also capture images to visualise the five senses. Here are the results – maybe this love story is not specifically mine or yours, but it could be one day. Enjoy.

Sense of Sight | Part 1

a glimpse
a rarity
an absolute beauty -
I laid my eyes on her.
could one being
exist so exquisitely?
am I just dreaming?
she’s noticed me
the anxiety is overwhelming
how do you
come near a butterfly
without it flying away?
she turns her eyes
and bows her head
hiding her scarlet roses
I tried to be sly
slowly finding a way
to be the flower
she would want to land upon.
her colours
are brighter than mine
but even men can pray
for a little more sunshine.
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“men trust God by taking a chance;
woman trust God by waiting.”
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so I did what I had to do
with burning in my chest
I had to try my best;
the overwhelming flames
would not distinguish my aim.
with a gentle whisper
I told you the truth
that your luminescence
has an uncontrollable presence
that should never be contained
and I ask you -
if it would be alright
if I share in your delight.
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you turned to look at me
with a soft smile
(your greatest artistry)
your eyes responded
they told me
the beginning
of a great love story.

Sense of Smell | Part 2

the nose has a gateway
to my most precious memories:
the fragrance you carried
that very first day,
(the first of many anniversaries)
the perfume that will always
remind me of you.
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I wish I could tell you
about all the feelings you’ve sparked -
but isn’t it too early to fall?
or do you feel them too?
because my heart’s already marked
and I don’t regret it at all.
it’s a challenge
to silence the doves in my chest
but you’re worth the wait
so for now I’ll believe in fate -
what have you done to me?
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she’s the smell 
after the first storm
the only thing
that can keep me warm.
she’s the aroma
of frankincense
showing a great divinity
in her magnificent femininity. 
she’s also the aroma
of myrrh
I found a certain anointing
in our perfect joining.
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you keep yourself so unrevealed,
when will you lower your shield? 
falling in love with you
may be my greatest suffering;
always wanting more -
a hunger forever rumbling;
but I know that treasures
are only found
when they are deserved.
so, for you,
I’ll keep suffering
and one day
I’ll catch you
when you start falling.

Sense of Taste | Part 3

she tastes so sweet
her words drip like honey
the most luscious treat:
a syrup so lovely.
a celebration of your goodness,
the pleasure of your fullness,
the temptation for sensation
but the reward for patience.
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she tastes so bitter
reminding me of harsh realities
but somehow still a light emitter
for which passion will never seize.
never filled with jealousy,
only with peace heartily.
pungency can never divide us,
your grace is superfluous.
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she tastes so sour,
her acid is courage -
full of power
keeping me nourished.
like a citrus: my symbol of hope
an eternal life kaleidoscope.
like a lemon: bringing optimism,
diminishing all cynicism.
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she tastes so salty,
my sacred covenant
unafraid of living so boldly.
my ever-fresh supplement,
my salt, my rock, essential to life
her purification is rife.
my lady, my best commodify,
a worth higher than any money.
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this love we will savour
let us taste
the fruits
of our harvest.
may God have our favour
let us not haste
to water the roots
never starving
with Him as our artist:
love will always be our garnish.

Sense of Hearing | Part 4

she’s trying to hear
what her father has to say:
a moment filled with fear,
all she can do is pray.
in this instant
there is much more to notice
than sound.
even from a distance
she can see I’m devoted
waiting for him to come around.
she listens anxiously
while I shakily
ask him for her hand.
her father’s response
was perceived
in him touching my shoulder
he seemed to look pleased,
a much awaited closure.
it took him a while
to put words to his gesture -
with a tear rolling past his smile,
she felt even more pressure.
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finally,
and audibly,
she hears,
“young man,
there is no one besides you
that I want for my darling daughter
the rest of the family thinks so too,
I await the day of seeing you by the alter.”
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unknown to me
she hears my response
but truer it could not be:
“sir, I have waited my life long
to receive this greatest permission
it has been my life’s mission.
I promise to keep her protected
and with her heart I’ll never be reckless.”
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she breathes an air of calmness
a day she had so feared
was only filled with warmness,
her anxiety finally cleared.
silly girl
she thought
how could she fear
what is already written?
love will always find a way
and will never go astray.

Sense of Touch | Part 5

“you may kiss the bride”
a distant echo
as everything spins inside
when I kiss you
and it feels like the very first time.
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how can someone
feel so soft
and delicate?
but yet so strong
in her own sweet song.
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I remember the day
I first laid eyes on you,
the day I heard you say
my name,
the day I smelt the coconut 
scent falling from your hair,
the day I tasted hazelnut
in your favourite treat at the fare,
and when I took your hand
in mine
and never
wanted to let go.
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and today I stand before you
as my lawfully wedded wife,
having so much to look forward to
spending with you the rest of my life.
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I have to this day
experienced all five senses with you
but now I must say
there is another feeling
none of these senses describe
and it is much more appealing.
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this feeling in my chest
like God touched my heart
when our marriage was blessed
and yet this is only the start.
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now I understand why they say
love only comes on your wedding day
because you can truly
only love her
when you must carry
all of her fully,
when you submit your life
to a woman
(to your wife)
that is when love unravels
the decision to give her
everything
even through all of life’s battles.

All poems are written by Mila Ottavini. The postcards are all painted by Harrison Fisher.

Jesus, our healer, we cry out to You
everything is different and 
we’re not sure what to do 
but we come kneeling before You. 
We know You came to bring us home, 
but also that we may have life
and have it abundantly. 
So we humbly ask You, 
as sinners who don’t deserve Your grace, 
please save our world now. 
Jesus, You are the healer of the world. 
You hung on The Cross
and suffered a gruesome death
so only the devil would feel the loss. 
So Jesus, cast out all illness, 
all fear, all anxiety, all unbelief. 
Even you cried out 
Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?
But You cried it out 
so that we would never be forsaken again. 
Jesus, You have the whole world
in Your hands, 
give us Your healing touch. 
We will worship You
before our breakthrough. 
And when we can leave our homes again, 
we will enter into Your church
and praise You for our deliverance.  
Jesus, our redeemer, 
there is no situation You can’t 
and won’t 
take Your people out of. 
Save us now. 
Bring all Your people to Your salvation, 
everyone needs You now, 
more than ever. 
Jesus, our rock and our light, 
keep us rooted in faith 
and shine out all the darkness. 

Jesus, healer of the world, 
You bled for us.
You cried for us.
You died for us.
Please hold us now. 

By Mila Ottavini

COVID19 has brought things from below and above
it has brought anger, grief and anxiety
it has brought faith, hope and love
and I’ve seen more of the latter in our society
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stuck inside our four walls and picket fences
has reminded many of the blessings we’ve received
making giving to others the only common sense
leaving many distressed completely relieved
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nurses have bowed their heads for healings
major retail competitors have joined forces
church is happening under a million ceilings
and Mother Nature can finally sing it’s chorus
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I can just imagine the angels looking down 
even the new angels that have now gone home 
smiling at all the joy going around 
knowing that peace will be the only syndrome
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so, to all my friends that are growing weary
this is not the end of time’s arrival
no, on the contrary
this is the start of our revival.

By Mila Ottavini

if the Israelites could obey
and stay in their homes for 21 days,
then Lord, so will I.
 
if you could set them free
from their slavery,
You can do the same for me.
 
so Lord please Passover
the door of South Africa
and see the blood we spread allover.
 
because this nation needs a saviour
like Jesus the blameless undertaker
so please pour out Your everlasting favour.
 
together we will stand
with Jesus holding our right hand
as Diverse People Unite in Your perfect plan.

By Mila Ottavini

This previous Sunday evening, the 15th of March 2020, the South African Government had some big decisions to make surrounding the spread of COVID19 in our country. My university had already decided to ban any events and big social gatherings, so as a result my church held their service at the Protea Hotel in Stellenbosch. Being the last service my church will be able to host together for a while, we were truly blessed with this beautiful venue and it’s surroundings. It was a night filled with worship and prayer, preparing ourselves for the unknown.

Leaving with a heart full of faith and trust, we all knew this was a battle our God would fight for us. Later on that evening, the government announced a National Disaster in South Africa, and put in many restrictions in hopes to lessen the spread of the virus. I still applaud our government for the tough decisions they had to make, and the way they have handled the situation so quickly. Still, university students were left with many questions. As all of this happened in the beginning of our test week, many were wondering if these assessments would still continue and if we were safe to stay on our campus.

Although a few were secretly hoping all our assessments would be cancelled (as students naturally would), we had no idea what the consequence of this actually would be. After hearing midday that all class and assessments were cancelled, I closed my audit books and made my way to my room. My dad had booked me on a flight for the following day, so I started packing for an estimated 3 weeks of being at home.

After receiving communication that all students in university had to evacuate residences, and fast, the panic hit. I wish I could say I was calm about the matter, but I just wasn’t. Everything in my room had to be packed and stored away in a matter of a few hours. Furthermore, we were told that we have no idea when it will be that we can return to our residences. So I had no idea how much to pack for coming home, and also whether all my items would be stored away safely. I had hit an absolute panic. All I could do was cry out to God, asking Him to do whatever He could to help me now.

And as always, my prayers were answered. Through this panic, a friend had invited me to stay by her house for the night and to take me to the airport the next day. She also helped me, along with her parents, to clear out my room and get everything packed away. My car was packed to the brim with half of my belongings, with the rest being hopefully safely stored in my residence. I had been running around and lifting things for 5 hours straight, and it’s only by God’s Grace that I managed to do that. The room that I had made my sanctuary over the past few months was completely barren. Although, I left my Wall of Strength on my cupboards, hoping that if anyone will need to stay in that room for quarantine, that they will find peace in it. It was an overwhelming goodbye, not knowing when I would be able to say hello to the room again, but I prayed for God’s presence to stay in the room throughout the chaos.

I now needed to drop my car off in Paarl, where it would stay at a family friend who graciously let me leave it at their house. As I had been panicking and moving frantically the whole afternoon, I was nervous for the drive, as I always believe one should be fully focused and calm behind the wheel.

“She knows the price paid for peace, so she protects it.”

The Psalm 112 Promise by John Eckhardt

It was in this moment that I had to realize that through all of the mass hysteria, I had to fall at the feet of the Prince of Peace. The only one that could keep me safe now was Him. I prayed nervously in my car for the trip I had to make. I kid you not when I say that the trip from Stellenbosch to Paarl (which granted, isn’t that far anyway) literally felt like teleportation. I started the engine and then I was pretty much already there. And no, I did not speed, but the Grace of God got me there safely, despite my mess of a mind at the time.

My friend’s father fetched me in Paarl and we made our way to their home. After some of the worst hours I have ever experienced in my life, I was welcomed, given food and a place to sleep, as well as receieved some much needed peace. The following morning they took me to the airport, and we said our goodbyes. I have no idea how long it will be till I can see this family again, but I am eternally grateful for everything they have done for me.

This is not a time to pay it back, but a time to pay it forward.

The airport was a place filled with worry, lots of hand sanitizer and many people wearing masks. I prayed away any fear from my mind and for this process of travelling to ‘fly by’. To my luck, a friend of mine caught me in the same line at the check-in, and I was graced with company in a fearful place. Though we only could speak for a few minutes before I boarded, I knew God was making sure that I didn’t feel alone.

Having just a scarf to cover my face when needed, I tried to climb on the plane without fear of being infected. I told myself Jesus died to cover any illness the world might face. So I distracted myself and started to read a new book. Later, I tried to get something to drink, but they rejected my debit card that they normally accept on the plane. I had no cash or a credit card on me, so I just accepted the situation. The lovely lady sitting in the row next to me however, had a generous heart. She bought what I had ordered for me, and refused that I pay her back. She asked me instead to pay it forward.

I had finally landed and got picked up by my father. I hadn’t seen him since January, so my heart was quite content to see him sooner than intended. I arrived at home, to be greeted excitedly by my dogs that had missed me, and by the lovely Pretoria weather. Being finally able to relax, my first day was filled with much needed sleep and good food. Though I’ve only spent a day at home, I’ve settled in again and God has calmed the storm in my mind.

We are all experiencing many different things throughout this period of unknowns, and we are all free to feel what we are feeling. A lot is changing in our world and a lot is still only a question mark. But what I do ask of you is to exchange mass hysteria for overflowing grace. Protect the peace that Jesus died for, and pay it forward in anyway that you can. I can’t tell you when we will be able to go back to our normal lives or what is going to happen in our country, but I can tell you something much more important. I can tell you that my God has a plan, and even if we don’t see it, He’s working.

By Mila Ottavini

the weight of a thousand capacities
is what I carry in my heart
it must be the strength of my capillaries
allowing me to accomplish this art
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the depths of me seem to swell up
and the waves bring me to my knees
it’s really a miracle I don’t erupt
when the current never seems to seize
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because The Moon has been watching
making sure that my shores are safe
and just before I start falling
He catches me in His grace. 

By Mila Ottavini

some flowers have it figured out
putting their armor up after sunset
the darkness poses no threat
a song of strength is what they shout.
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this is the beauty of nyctinasty
the power of not letting the enemy win
even when the light is wearing thin
and you want to give up so badly. 

By Mila Ottavini

oh sweet sunshine child
how don’t you see?
you are meant to be a little wild,
your light is what sets us free.
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your bright beam over the darkest time
is what brings us the light we require
luckily smiles like yours aren’t a crime,
and helps us when life feels dire.
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we just hope your sun will never set,
because the warmth you bring
is one we could ever forget.
truly you are such a special thing.
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the light you shine is in essence
the love of God through someone’s presence.
your constant smile is life’s rebellion
and spreads His love like we’re in Heaven. 

By Mila Ottavini