Your Mind; My Mind

there will be the days
where getting out of bed
will be your biggest victory.
celebrate that.
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because sometimes the sun rays
will feel way too far ahead,
but you are still worthy
of acknowledging where you’re at.
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some days your smile
might take a little longer
to fall upon your face,
but that’s okay.
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and your heart may need a while
but you’re only getting stronger.
just please keep at your own pace,
we all need to rest anyway. 

By Mila Ottavini

maybe you’re just a flower 
he appreciates in the spring 
and when summer comes along
he’ll be onto better things 


because the way she looks at him
will make him feel like sunshine 
and you’ll still be waiting in autumn 
thinking, “I wish he was mine.”


all her blue skies and ever green 
will fade along with his affection
and just before it’s time for winter
he’ll find another girl to give attention 


but when he’s cold he’ll realize 
you were the warmest flower he ever embraced 
and when he tries to pick your petals again
he won’t find you in the same place. 

I always told myself that I couldn’t run. I had pretty good logic for why I couldn’t run as well, telling myself constantly that I was too weak, too short or too inexperienced. I had convinced myself that this truth was the absolute, and there would never be a chance for me to run or even to enjoy running. Don’t understand this incorrectly, I’m a very active human being. I’ve always been really into gym, yoga, and recently decided to start dancing too. Running was just one of those things on my list of “Never, Never, Will I Ever, Do This Activity”. And I was always okay with this mindset, until one day something told me I had to go for a run.

On this first run, I had decided I was going to full force myself into this whole running thing. Forget the ‘easing into it’ and preparing my body, I just went with it. I forced myself to run a 5km – which granted, isn’t very far – but for a person who never runs, this was quite the challenge to place upon myself. I did it, and the wind on the beach was so rough that I felt like I was fighting for life. I hated this run so much, but I knew it was because I was forcing myself to run too fast for my fitness level. I still had fight left within me, so the next day I decided I would use the Nike Run Club application’s guided runs.

First of all, I want to make it very clear that I am not endorsing this application, but that I am being genuine in my experience overall in this prose. The next day after forcing myself to run that 5km, I used Coach Bennet’s “First Run” guided run. I ended the run with a smile. I ended the run wanting to run more. The reason? I can’t remember exactly what Coach Bennet said that day, but he did make me realize something. He made me realize that I am a runner simply because I have a body and because I made the decision to run. I wasn’t too slow, too short or too weak. I was a runner. I continued to listen to his guided runs over that following week, and I promise you, I was smiling at the end of every run. The girl that absolutely loathed running (if you ask anyone who knows me, they will vouch for this) was smiling during and after every run she completed.

I continued running and I still am continuing to run, using a plan set up by the Nike Run Club application. But here’s the thing, as Coach Bennet would say, “This is about running. This is not about running.” My process of overcoming my fear and hatred for running is way more than a fitness achievement or boast. The journey that has brought me to the place where I am today is intricate and blessed, and it is happening in each and every one of our lives if we let it.

You see, I was convincing myself that I was incapable of something. It came from many places of pain, but I let pain become my hurdle (a hurdle that was not even real) that I would never jump over. Having two operations on my foot as a child was a heavy burden, as during those times everyone was running and playing, while I had no choice but to sit and watch. Obviously not being able to exercise for basically 4 years had its effect on my weight, and kids being kids, made this very plain to me. When I could start exercising again, my body was trying to find its rhythm again, but everyone would laugh at me for the way I ran. Even up until high school, I still recall a girl stopping in her tracks during hockey training just to tell me that it’s hilarious how I run because my legs are so, and I quote, “short and stubby”. Every high school girl’s dream….

For the longest time I had so much resentment towards people for the things they said, but today I realize this had nothing to do with the people who said a mere few words to me without realizing the consequences. They say sometimes people are used by the devil to bring spiritual warfare to others. This couldn’t be truer – the people that said some pretty hurtful things to me are not bad people, in fact, they’re all pretty incredible. At the time, I just allowed the devil to win and to push me down into the ground. These people weren’t telling me I would never be able to run, it was the devil. And subsequently, I started saying these things to myself.

That’s the incredible thing about God. He makes all things new. After high school, I renewed my relationship with Him. And I strongly believe if it wasn’t for this, I wouldn’t be running today. He showed me the lies of the devil and He rebuked all of these lies too. Soon I was breaking all the hurdles around me, and the day came that God had prepared for me to run for His glory.

So, this really isn’t about running. This is about not allowing the devil, or even yourself, to stand in the way of you excelling. Maybe there’s something you’ve always secretly wanted to do – I don’t know – be it gymnastics, writing or public speaking. If there is a desire or wonder inside of you, explore that. See where it takes you. Because If I’m certain of anything – it’s this: the grass is much greener on the other side of the hurdles that never actually existed.

By Mila Ottavini

Sometimes we find ourselves in moments that are infinite. For a few bursting seconds or minutes, the moment you’re in feels like eternity. That’s the thing about these moments, you so desperately wish for them not to end. It’s these moments that we hold near and dear, trying to keep them alive for as long as possible. Maybe it’s those moments you wander upon when everything is too much and you need an escape-route in your mind. Or maybe it’s those moments where there was a pivotal change in your life, your mind and your future. Whatever they may mean to you, these moments are infinite in the treasure-chest that is your mind.

For me, I have a few infinite moments. After my first year of studies, which meant moving over 1400km away from home, leaving my family and friends behind, there was a lot to take in. Sometimes these amazing changes in our lives cause a mix of feelings, and sometimes it can be extremely overwhelming. All I needed was some reflection, and it was in this reflection that I found one of my infinite moments. I was at my second home at the beach, and was in dire need of alone-time, so I took my fury friend for a walk. This was not out of the norm for me to do, but there was something extremely different about this walk. The air was breezy but not too cold, and the sun was out but it was not too warm – it was all just perfect. I let my dog loose, and she went on her own mission, running in and out of the ocean with the biggest expression of joy on her face. Something so small made her indescribably happy, and this made me happy too. The water was a clear turquoise, my favourite colour, and the waves crashing against my feet were a perfect temperature too. We walked back from the harbour and the clouds cascaded in the sky with the sun going down slowly. I was thinking a lot, about everything I expected for the year – about how some of those things happened as expected and how others didn’t. I recalled the high expectations that failed, and the low expectations that were surprisingly surpassed. But when I took myself out of my mind, I realised I was thinking away a beautiful moment. I stopped and soaked in the moment I was placed in. This moment was suddenly everything I have ever needed. It was sufficient. God had pressed pause in a moment in my life, and He let me experience every bit of it. This was grace, I was certain, allowing me to experience something simple yet so surreal, even when seconds previously I was not appreciating what He was giving me. I’m not quite sure if there is an English word, or a word in any language, for what I was feeling that afternoon. But I can say that I felt infinite.

The other infinite moments have felt the same, and I keep them all planted and growing in my mind. The time when, after moving to university, I flew home and hugged my parents for the first time in a few months. Then there was the day I got baptised, when I felt as clean and pure as I ever will after arising from the water. Or the time I finished my first dancing competition and I couldn’t believe the girl with two left feet had done so well. And I still recall the day I left my high school, and I felt an overwhelming sense of freedom and possibility for my future. Or the time when I had my dance society’s first end of year function, and I couldn’t believe the amount of love felt in the room and all the faces of joy as a result of pure fun. These are big moments that left me feeling infinite, but there are the small moments too. The small moments like when I sat in a car, with the windows down and the fresh ocean breeze, and all my friends were laughing. Or when that person with the exquisite eyes caught mine, and I could see that they are a sunshine child. The midnight conversations with my best friend, that indescribable sunset I saw that one December afternoon, my spurts of memory from that overseas trip that felt like a fairy-tale, or when I couldn’t stop laughing with my grandma in the mall.

My collection of infinite moments is infinite. We are given so many moments in our lives that are more significant than we can ever understand. These are the moments we need to hold onto, as a form of gratitude, and to remind ourselves that we can feel like that again. No matter what we feel today, it’s okay, because another infinite moment is around the corner. And until we arrive at that infinite moment, we can replay our other infinite moments over-and-over again.

By Mila Ottavini

ginger, ginger, against the wall -
who is the palest of them all?
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a population of only two percent
MC1R is what gives us our fiery power
and with our red we are content
even if we need sunblock on the hour
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so what if some call us carrot top
and countless other names
we’re proud of our hair that makes us pop
and we’re ready to set the world aflame 

By Mila Ottavini

home.
it’s not a place or a person -
(and yes you’ve heard this before)
it’s a feeling.
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my feeling of home
was always felt in Struisbaai,
that small town in the Western Cape -
the Southern Most Point of Africa.
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I’ve seen many beautiful places
and felt many beautiful things
but this place,
this place.
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it is the only place
my ship will ever want to sink it’s anchor
I have so much left to see
and many places still to go.
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but that’s what home is
having a feeling so wholesome
no matter how many times you leave
you’ll always come back for more.

By Mila Ottavini

Some days things are just heavy. You know what I mean? Like when you’re washing the dishes while your whole family is around the dinner table, and they’re all laughing and telling stories, but it all feels too loud. With every word they say, you realise maybe you’re just not as happy as them – and that begins to make you feel shaky. Because if all these people you love are bursting at the seems with joy, why aren’t you as well? Not because your life is miserable and you’ve had the most tragic things happen to you, simply just because you feel so many things at once and it is becoming too heavy for you.

You want to be laughing with them, and you want to join in on the conversation, but you just really can’t. It’s as if – if you were to say a word right now, you would literally break into pieces. Because there are so many moment’s you’re holding onto that is making everything feel so heavy. Like the time you had made plans with that friend, and they forgot, so you ended up spending yet another night at home alone – you felt that. Or when you excitedly spoke about that thing you so deeply care for, and no one must have really heard you because no one even responded – you felt that too. And how could you forget that time in high school you defended that friend that everyone was unfairly attacking, but everyone just ended up laughing at you? Or that time when you saw that group of friends from class you really thought liked you, out together without even an invite – you really felt that.

And the more you think about it, it becomes a collection of many moments that just feel so incredibly heavy. Then there’s another moment, and another, and another – and it just doesn’t stop. Maybe it makes you think you’re not good enough, or that people are incredibly horrible – and the excuses and reasonings pile up. And all these moments, that were just moments, become heavy burdens of loathing towards something or someone.

That’s the thing we don’t realise – all these heavy moments were never ours to carry. The Light was always meant to carry it for us. Because when we carry it all by ourselves, the darkness wins, and makes these heavy moments into something they were never meant to be. These moments are just moments, and they may be heavy, but if you give it to The Light, you could be laughing with your family too. I think I’m going to give over my heavy to The Light, and I hope you do too. There’s a whole bunch of love and light we should be carrying instead.

By Mila Ottavini

I wonder if the clouds
look down at the ocean shore
and sigh at their reflection aloud,
thinking their shade is such a bore.

Maybe they think they're too big too
And that the other clouds are prettier.
Maybe they wish to be another shade of blue,
and that they could be more linear.

I would find it pretty sad
if clouds thought like that. 
And I'd think it pretty bad
if your thoughts had a similar impact.

By Mila Ottavini

Though I'm coming home
I know I'm leaving another
I'll think about you, Rome
And Naples you were like no other.

I won't forget you, my love, Capri,
And Venice I'll see you again.
To Lago di Garda I'll someday flee -
I'll just have to catch another airplane.

Porto San Giorgio, where I find my family,
A second home one might say.
Ancona, you felt like a fantasy -
Assisi, I wish I could stay.

Italy, I can feel you in my veins
Thank you for all that you've showed me.
To see you again - what a pleasure it would be.

By Mila Ottavini